MY HEART OF WALL

 

SCARED. AFRAID that you might be the one for me. FEARFUL that after being too attached to you, I would be left behind.

WALL. I started putting it up after all the tragedies and traumas I’ve been through and now it’s keeping me from being too close to you. It’s my DEFENSE MECHANISM to keep you FAR from me. I call it eE2��MY HEART WALL’. I find solace in my little cave of insecurities and comfort in being alone, not being with someone, minding my own business, in the absence of hurt, pain and even love. My mind repetitively says that I’m not worthy to love nor worth it to be loved. Despite my victories, my status quo in life, achievements, notwithstanding how people think of me, an encourager, inspiration, friend, I still can’t help succumbing into my own cocoon because I don’t want you to see the scars, the damages, my brokenness. I DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE WHO I AM.

FOREVER. I believe that God’s love is ETERNAL, then again, I refuse to accept as true that there is a FOREVER in relationships between a MAN and a WOMAN. That it does not exist. Yeah, I guess I’m the most stubborn hearted person you could ever befriend. Years of harrowing incidents, occurrences and experiences has brutally left me scarred, damaged and I thought I was beyond repair:

BUT

JESUS CAME and is in the

BUSINESS of

FIXING “ME”

PARDON. FORGIVE my rudeness if there would be periods, intervals, spells when you can’t find me, when I’m not always there. Be COMFORTED that I am in the DWELLING PLACE of my SAVIOR JESUS, RESTING, DISPELLING all my fears and SPENDING WONDERFUL moments of HIS GRACIOUS LOVE most especially when I am petrified.

BROKEN ALABASTER VASE.

John 12:3-7

New International Version (NIV)

³ Then Mary took about a pint^[a] of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

HEALING. This is me, broken, spilled out and down at JESUS’ feet. It is a slow and yet sure process. Someday, I’m coming out of my shell. One day I would be free from the chains, doubts and fears engulfing me.

BUT FOR NOW, I JUST WANT TO BE WHERE JESUS IS AND STAY IN HIS EMBRACE BECAUSE I AM SCARED.